I’ve been thinking a great deal about this habit of worry. I am a planner, a person who loves to be in control (in great ways and not so great ways) who has life a bit mapped out and sees a function and flow in advance when it comes to making plans. I like that about myself; I work hard, I get ‘er done, and I feel great when I’m creating or moving a plan into action. I do, however, see pitfalls up ahead (even virtual ones, ones that have never occurred and may never occur) so I will often think, rethink and think again about how to solve said problem. This is a great quality which I’ve come to realize and appreciate but one that will send my mind into a tail spin faster than you can say, “neurosis”.
There I go into the world of my mind, shut inside with my thoughts and the dilemmas that I must solve. This has been a problem lately now that I’m with my kids all day and they require constant engagement and interaction. They need me to talk, listen and pay attention. If I’m shut in my thoughts I almost can’t even hear them talking to me. It takes about six times for my son to ask me the same question before I realize he’s speaking to me.
I find myself staring at the lego in my hand, thinking through my dilemmas, praying, pondering and, yes, worrying. I have the fixed stare on the navy blue lego while my son is making engine sounds with his flying rocket. Then I snap back into the real world and I’m at my kitchen table, holding a lego and realizing that I’ve been out for quite some time.
I’m wondering how to live life as a person who is true to my design, who loves closure and problem solving all while giving my worry up to the heavens until it’s time to actually deal with it. I appreciate the symbolism of holding your hands in front of you and releasing something above, but that’s never worked for me. I can’t get passed how dorky I feel holding air cupped neatly in my hands as if I would be taking an imaginary drink from them and then holding them above my head as an act of submission and faith.
I need a different strategy. One that works with who I am! Why didn’t God give us magic wands with a glass encasing that reads, “Break in case of emergency”? Then we could wave them around to solve our problems to life’s little dilemmas. Maybe we could be issued three at the age of 21 and that’s all we get. I’m sure I know the answer to my own question and I am eternally grateful that neurotic narcissists do not own such a wand. However, little ol’ me is in need of a wand, some answers and a bit of clarity so that I can be like the flowers of the field or the birds of the air; living in abandonment (or are they just animals that don’t know any better?). Nonetheless, they seem to hold a secret that I wish I possessed. Maybe I’m just in need of practicing faith and peace.